By Lisa Huddleston

It was February when we decided it was time for me to seek help again. My energy was waning; my interests were fading away. For a while obsessive reading hid how bad things really were, but eventually that passion also dulled and became a chore.

It is now July–five months later–and the struggle continues. Despite a wonderful counselor and a well-respected physician, even my faith has begun to pale. I can barely pray, and I hardly ever attempt to write–my truest form of prayer. For a while my cry was, “Lord, hang on to me!” And so, I suppose, that is what He is doing now in the absence of my supplications.

As words have failed, only signs and symbols remain burned into my flesh like words once burned in my heart. To communicate that I am not well. To imitate the stripes by which we all are healed. To echo the Spirit’s moans and groans. To punish and to pray.

I fear a wasted life, but I ardently love my family and so hatred and love twist and twine to braid the rope that ties me to this place. Like God holds me here, their love is a tether for my soul. To wait for restoration. For five months or six or however long it will take.



      • Agreed, but there seems to be a freeing that comes with sharing. Gone through a few what I would term crises in my life, saw a psychiatrist after my divorce and that really helped a lot actually, and have gotten counseling along the way when needed. Ultimately came down to me & God, that wrestling thing, but always a refining, strengthening process in the end……but oh the process, thought it would kill me. I’ll keep praying, thanks for your posts.

  1. Lisa, I haven’t read your blog lately, and I am so sorry I haven’t. Didn’t know you were dealing with depression. I haven’t had extended periods of depression, but some of my family members have. You are taking the steps you need. It does take a long time and a great deal of support to come through depression. I will keep you in my prayers. “Tentatively hopeful” is a good description. Thanks for your honesty.

  2. Lisa Huddleston says:

    Good to hear from you, Anne. I’m finally seeing some good days–or at least several hours at a time now. Thanks for your prayers.

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